Scott

Today I'm thankful for: #1 - Scott. Scott teaches 4th grade and we are on the SAC committee together. He enjoys the muffins I bring to work and I enjoy that he enjoys them. In my box this morning was this candied apple with a note from Scott telling me that he was sorry to hear about my dad passing away and that he was going to make me something but he has no talent or skills. It made me smile and I was thankful for our friendship at work and for his thinking of me.

#2 - Practicing. Much of today my class spent practicing for our Images of Greatness program tomorrow. The kids are great they have worked hard and were well behaved as they listened to each other recite their poems for about 3 hours total today. I'm relieved that I think we're ready enough for tomorrow. I'll be so happy when it's over.

#3- An evening with my roommates. We went to Costco and then to stop by one of the sister's house that Kerri visit teaches.

#4 - All ready for tomorrow. I ended my evening by picking up table clothes, confetti, dozens of cookies, and 16- 2 liters of soda. We're going to have a great little performance tomorrow.

Carving Pumpkins

Today I'm thankful for: #1- Sunday and being back at church. I love that every Sunday I have the chance to gather with wonderful people and to be renewed by feeling the sweet spirit. It gives me strength to get through another week. It brings back into focus what is really important and why it's important. 

#2 - Dinner at the Ellison's. What would I do without my Utah parents and Sunday dinner? I just love them and am so thankful they love me. Who knew deciding to live with Tricia would be such a wonderful decision. Since tomorrow is Halloween we carved pumpkins after dinner just look at these beauties Rick grew this year. The biggest pumpkins I've ever carved in my life. One of the reasons I'm not a big fan of carving pumpkins is cleaning out the insides. I'll do it but I don't like it. Before dinner Tricia cleaned all three of these babies out so I just had to carve. Again how lucky can you get??

#3- A visit with friends. Maurianne, Alisha, and Kara came to visit when we got home. They brought me a beautiful picture of the Salt Lake temple. I'm so lucky to have wonderful friends who love and support me and will give me the support I need in the weeks and months ahead. I'd do anything for these girls and I know they'd do the same for me. It was wonderful to visit with them. 

Another Batch

Today I'm thankful for: #1- Saturday. I love a nice Saturday. I was thankful to go to the temple and to get myself mentally prepared for a whole new week of being back in my routine. 

#2- Another batch of carmel apples. So I had plans on making more carmel apples the Wed I got the phone call my dad had been killed. So when I got home I still had 2 dozen apples and a bunch of cream that couldn't go to waste. Sweet Kerri helped me make another batch of yummy apples. I had plans to give these to everyone I know as a little Halloween/Fall treat. I was pretty excited that they turned out again and last time wasn't just beginners luck. I may just get the hang of this candy making stuff. 

Halloween

Today I'm thankful for: #1- A good distraction. Going back to work after a tragedy is never easy. I appreciate everyones love but a part of me doesn't want attention either. I think my kids were happy to see me. They were all super sweet. Gracee, Emme, and Lucie came to work with me all dressed up as little butterflies. We were quite the sight. Raegan had bought them Halloween pails filled with treasures so we started the day in her room "trick or treating" and they were so excited. My students thought it was great to have the girls spend the morning with us. The girls weren't interested in any of the boys and scared of half the girls because they had their faces all painted for Halloween. At 9 we had our school Halloween parade and I was so happy to have the little girls with me. It shifted the focus off me and my first day back to the adorable little girls I had with me.

#2- Lunch with Liz. Liz and I ran and got lunch with the girls and then ate it in my classroom while the room mom's cleaned up all the mess from our Halloween party. Such sweet ladies who took care of everything so I didn't have to worry about a thing! Right after school ended Liz and Ruffin took the girls and headed home and a stayed and got some work finished. I was pretty tired by the time it was all over and was so happy that today was a crazy day that I didn't have to do any planning for.

#3- Quade and BYU football. Quade offered to buy me dinner when I got back in town and I told him to come over on Friday and watch the game with us. I was watching T.V. when he got to my house and we sat down and visited for a bit and were watching a little T.V. and I fell asleep for a few minutes - didn't mean to I was just so tired. Then we ran to Costa Vida and picked up dinner and brought it back to our place to watch the game. By this time Kerri was home and we were ready for to watch the Cougs. Unfortunately they didn't pull it out but I guess you can't win them all and there were a few exciting plays and I still enjoy watching them.

I'm Exhausted! But Home

Today I'm thankful for: #1- Sleeping in. I slept in so late this morning and then when I did get up I felt like I couldn't walk in a straight line for 20 min when I finally got fully awake. I didn't realize how exhausted I was. I was so glad I'd taken today off instead of trying to make it back to Utah yesterday. 

#2- A few more hours together. We spent the morning and afternoon cleaning and visiting. I think we all felt like we didn't want our togetherness time to end but at the same time we wanted to get ourselves back home where we could start to feel a sense of normal. And then at the same time my heart aches for my mom who will never feel her normal again in this life but will find a new normal. I guess that's life though always lots of change. 

#3- A safe trip home with company. Liz, Gracee, and Emme rode to my house with me and I was happy to have them with me. It's so nice not to have to drive all by myself. 

#4- Friends who are my second family. When I got home my roommates had put sympathy cards I'd received in the mail on every stair going up to my room and a couple of wrapped gifts at the top of the stairs. One from them and Preston and one from Tricia's parents. They gave me a beautiful picture of the Idaho Falls temple and Rick and Kris gave a Willow Tree figure. What a welcome home. I just love these girls and am so happy to be back home. I was so exhausted and sweet Tricia slept on the couch so I could sleep in her bed with the little girls on an air mattress in her bedroom so Liz and Ruffin could sleep in my room. Really I live with the kindest sweetest people. 

A final Goodbye

Today I'm thankful for: #1 - Those who came to just support me. So I'm pretty blessed my live is filled with family who love me dearly but, it's also filled with friends who love me like I'm family. We had a viewing before the funeral and then the funeral started at 11:00. I was standing in my place in line greeting people and doing my best to remember names and know how I knew who was coming through the line to pay their last respects to my dad. The line was pretty long this morning and I looked up and saw this couple and thought now how do I know them? Then it hit me- This couple was there just for me. It was Brother and Sister Steele from my singles ward. I was in such a fog it took me two seconds to place them. When they got to me I gave them both a huge hug and thanked them for coming. They will never know what it means to me that they traveled over four hours to be at a funeral for a man they never met but to support me. I love them dearly. 

Nikkie and Tommy also came which I appreciated. Then Tricia, Kerri, and Raegan came in right before the viewing ended. I about lost it. Such sweet girls and amazing friends. I about lost it completely when I was talking to them. I had talked to Raegan yesterday and asked her to stay to eat after the funeral. She said, "We'll stay as long as you want us to stay." I didn't plan on making them stay really long but it meant a lot to know that if I needed them the'd stay.

#2- Being able to share memories of my dad. The funeral was really nice. I was so relieved when my part was over and I made it through without getting too emotional. Here is the part of the life sketch that Liz read as well as my talk: 

Liz went first and told about dad's childhood and high school years: 

            Dad was born January 15, 1941 the first-born son to Reed and Helen Oldham in Hibbard, Idaho. Dad loved to work on the farm with his dad and grandpa. One day while he was out in the tractor with his grandpa Oldham he stuck him finger in a hole in the dashboard and couldn’t get it out. His grandpa looked at him and said, “Well it looks like we’re going to have to cut it off.” And then got out of the tractor. Dad panicked thinking that for sure his grandpa was headed to get a knife. He started to pull his finger with all his might but this only made it worse and is finger started to swell and wouldn’t budge. Imagine dad’s relief when his grandma Oldham returned instead of his grandpa. She had a string and a bar of soap. She soaped his finger and then wrapped it with string to reduce the swelling. Little by little she got it worked out and even at the age of 70 if you would have asked Dad he’d still ring his hands rubbing that finger grateful he still had it.

            The first time dad rode the school bus home it dropped him off at the corner about ½ mile from home. When he told his dad about his long walk he said, “Don’t get off the bus. You ride it into town and tell the driver to take you to the superintendent’s office. Then tell the superintendent to bring you home to your house.” The next day dad did just as he was told. The superintendent brought him home and from that time on the bus dropped him off at his house. From an early age dad learned to be brave as well as do as his father directed.

            Dad always encouraged us to be our own person. In the first grade he got in trouble for coloring a dog the wrong color. His dog at home was red so that’s what he colored the dog. The instructions from the teacher were to color it brown. He always thought that if wanted to color it red he should be able to do just that.

            One day during high school dad went on his lunch break to the grocery store to buy a bar of soap for a class project of carving. The store clerk saw him put it in his pocket and thought he had shop lifted it. The clerk confronted him and dad pulled out his receipt to prove he had paid for it. (Pull receipt from pocket.) Dad always got a receipt and taught us to get one too. 

I told about his mission, college, and engagement to mom:            

After high school dad attended Rick’s college. There he acted in several plays including the Diary of Anne Franke and Our Town.

            Dad was then called to serve a 30 month mission to the Netherlands. At that time missionaries who learned to speak a foreign language served an extra 6 months to learn the language. When dad left for his mission he took the train to Salt Lake. It stopped in Logan where his Aunt Meryl, Aunt Mavis, and Grandma Roundy met him to see him on his way. After a few days in Salt Lake he was off to the Netherlands. I remember him telling me that he was blessed with a trainer who knew Dutch well and because of him he was able to learn the language. A large part of his mission he spent as a secretary in the mission office. He spoke often and fondly of his mission. He loved the Dutch people of Belgium and Holland. Each Christmas our family set out wooden shoes instead of stockings. This served as a great reminder to us of the importance of missionary work and of our father’s faithful service as a young man. This last April mom and dad came down to Utah to one of my dad’s mission reunions. They invited me to come over and attend with them. I’ll never forget my father’s excitement as he reunited with his mission president after almost 50 years. The years melted away and I could tell there was a flood of memories running through his mind. His mission was definitely a special and precious time in his life. It not only shaped who he was but it shaped each of us as his children because of the stories he would tell us and the faith he instilled in us that he gained as he served the Lord.

            Dad’s grandpa Oldham would spend the winter in California and dad caught a ride with him to Provo to attend BYU. His grandpa dropped him off on some street. Dad was left to lug his suitcase to find a place to sleep for the night. He stayed his first week in a hotel until he found an apartment to rent. He only stayed in Provo for a quarter. Long enough to get language credits for speaking Dutch. Dad then transferred to Cal Poly were obtained a bachelor’s degree in business administration. While at school in California Dad spent his summers working in the Las Angeles produce market. From those days he could always find the perfect watermelon or cantaloupe or any other fruit for that matter.

            On Dec. 31^st 1973 Lynn Loosli set mom and dad on a blind date. Because it was New Year’s eve all the restaurants were crowded and finally at the West Bank dad just lied and said he had a reservation. They finally got seated to eat and mom ordered steak and lobster and dad ordered the same thing. Mom said he did that their whole married life just ordered whatever she was having. Then when he got up to pay dad had to find money in at least 6 pocket. Mom was getting worried that this blind date didn’t have enough money to pay for dinner and she might have to wash dishes. After dinner the heater went out in the car dad was driving and they were freezing so they stopped in Rexburg to switch cars. Dad put mom in the car in the shop where it was warm and went to grab the keys. He was gone for 20 minutes and finally returned. Apparently the keys weren’t where they were supposed to be and dad had to wake everyone in the house to find the keys. Then the car was out of gas and he pulled the car around to the farm gas tank. It was an old hand pump where you pumped gas up into a bulb and then it ran down the hose. Mom had never seen such a thing and dad by this time was pretty exasperated. It’s amazing mom said yes to a second date.

            The second date ended with dad trying to buck snowdrifts to get my mom home. He got the car so stuck that he had to stay the night. Grandma and Grandpa Clark weren’t home because they were at the temple and didn’t come home because of the bad weather. The next morning when grandma got home she said, “Well, Ann he’ll either be back for good or you’ll never see him again.” She was right dad was here to stay.

            In March of 1974 dad proposed to mom at the Bancroft Jr. prom. They were sealed in the Idaho Falls temple on July 31, 1974.

Dear Dad,

            A few years ago I thought it’d be a good idea to write letters to those I love and tell them why I loved them. You received one of those letters and I’m grateful that I took that chance to tell you why I love you and am grateful to be your daughter. Today I decided that I wanted to write another letter but this time tell you some of the things I’m going to remember from my almost 31 years as your little girl.

            I’ll remember always being so excited when I got to go to the field to work with you. One time I’ll never forget mom had packed us both a lunch. I loved granny smith apples and mom had packed me one. My favorite way to eat an apple was to take a bite all around it in one straight line. You said, “Oh that looks good. Give me a bite of that.” I handed my apple over and had just finished my bites all around the apple. You were always so afraid of getting germs from sharing with us kids and you were a little disgruntled that there wasn’t a side of the apple without a bite. As a kid I never understood what the big deal was but know that I’m older and afraid of getting sick I understand it just a little. What is really funny is all that not sharing with little kids to avoid germs was completely thrown out the window as soon as you got grandkids. Anytime those little girls wanted a bite of something you gladly shared. What ever they wanted they got and they loved their grandpa.

             I’ll never forget how you would clean up and sweep out your shop so I would have a place to roller skate what more could a little girl ask for than my very own rink to enjoy for hours. I loved playing in the shop while you were busy working. It was a real treat when I could get Jonathan to pump up the handy man jack and give me a ride down. I still love the click of crescent wrenches because of the many times I played with them as I sat by you. And I loved to “go shopping” among the bolts and screws on the shop shelves. How frustrating that must have been to have all your different sizes mixed up. But I don’t remember you ever getting mad at me for moving things around.

            I have seen many beautiful places with you and when we visited somewhere we weren’t just there for fun we were there to learn. In Washington D.C. my love of my country grew as we visited monuments. In Nauvoo my testimony of the gospel was strengthened as we learned about the sacrifices of the early saints. One of my favorites oddly enough was visiting the Dwight D. Eisenhower’s Presidential library in Abilene, Kansas. I thought it was so interesting. Mostly because you were so excited to be there and that made me excited to be there too. Thank you for showing me many great places all across this great United States.

            I know that one of the reasons I value education is because you valued education. It was never a question if I’d go to college but where I’d attend. You’re words of “Study Hard!” will always ring in my ears when I’m studying for anything. I was pretty sure a master’s degree was plenty of education. But last month the week that BYU was to play USU you always liked to tease me about who I’d be cheering for. It’s true that BYU isn’t my Al matuer and USU is but you know full well that I won’t be cheering for anyone except the Cougars. When I told you that I’m not cheering for USU you said, “Now listen! Your grandparents and great- granddad went to that school and,” At this point I cut in and said, “What is it going to take for you to not ask me this question? I guess I’m just going to have to get my P.H.D. from BYU so it’s OK that I cheer for them.” You replied with, “Well, that’s the best news I’ve heard all day!” I just laughed and said I’m not getting my P.H.D. You believed in a good education but you also believed that without a lot of hard work a good education wouldn’t do me much good. You’d always say that your grandpa Oldham would tell you to get a good education and then put the sheep skin in the drawer and go to work. I’ve thought about that often and have tried to do just that. I’ve done my homework and when the schooling was over I’ve done my best to forget about those degrees and just work hard.

            You always encouraged me to: “Look sharp, feel sharp, and be sharp.” Those are good words to live by and I’ll remember them in the years to come.

            I’ll never forget the last time I heard you bear your testimony. We were all at home for our family reunion and I am grateful for the sweet testimony you bore about your love of the gospel of Jesus Christ and your love for the mothers in your life.

            In the last letter you wrote me before I came home from my mission you said, “So as you approach the bottom of the hill of your mission you need to shift up a gear or two so you will have enough speed to get over the little hill’s at the end. So just like Donnor’s pass gear up and keep the power on.” Life if full of lots of big and little hills and I know you knew all about that. I want you to know that I’ll remember to gear up a few gears and keep the power on so that I have enough power to get through. Especially through this difficult time of not having you here with us on earth.

            I love you and am so thankful you are my dad.

                                    Love,

                                    Olivia

            I want to leave my testimony with you of my knowledge of the truthfulness of the gospel of Jesus Christ. I know that my family will be together forever if we live worthy here on earth. I know that family relationships continue after death and that my dad will always be my dad. How grateful I am for this knowledge because it is what helps me to shift up a few gears whenever I am faced with a challenge in life. 

#3- A beautiful sunny day. We buried my dad in a plot next to where my grandmother is buried. I think it meant a lot to my mom to bury him there and to know she'll be buried next to her parents. Tricia had Raegan snap a picture of us at the cemetery and I was a little out of it and didn't get one with Raegan or Nikkie. Tricia also snapped these couple of pictures of my whole family. I was a beautiful day. Grandpa Clark dedicated the grave and then we all walked over to the church and ate lunch. I was so thankful to have all my dear friends with me and to have them to sit with me while we ate lunch. 

#4- An evening with family. After the funeral we all gathered together and when I say we all I mean all of my immediate family and all of mom's siblings. We spent the evening eating and visiting. Little Emme loves to take pictures with my camera and this is my favorite one from the evening. I've thought often over the past week about how it'd be if I didn't have loving relationship with my family. I'm so thankful for all of them for grandparents, parents, aunt, uncles, cousins, siblings, nieces, and nephews. All of them make my life wonderful!! And they make loosing one of those loved ones easier since I know we will all be together forever. We will all sit down together and visit someday in heaven. It has been a really long week and I'm thankful that this part is finished. There will be tough days ahead but I'm thankful this is over. Now it's time to move forward and figure out a new normal with my dad being gone. 

Meeting this little guy

Today I'm thankful for: #1- The chance to mourn. We met at the funeral home mid afternoon to have a little family viewing before going to the church to meet with people. We didn't stay long. Liz arrived just before we were headed into town. So all of us but Anthony were there, his kids went to all of school and they planned to get to Ashton just in time for the public viewing. I was pretty excited to meet this new little guy. I love how snuggly a newborn is. I just can't get enough of them! All the little girls saw dad and I think reality sunk into them that what there parents had been explaining to them. That grandpa was gone but we will see him again. I was glad Liz was able to make it so she could be with us. 

#2 - Aunt Shellie. My mom's sister made us a wonderful meal. She had it out to the cabin all ready for us to eat when we got back from the funeral home. Every thing tasted so good. I haven't felt like eating for over a week. And she even made monster cookies. These are a favorite of Liz and I's and they just don't taste quite the same unless Aunt Shellie makes them. Every time we see her at a family party we ask if she has made monster cookies. So it meant a lot to Liz and I that is what she made. Again, such a simple thing that lets you know you're loved and cared for. 

#3 - Greeting family and friends. I took a couple of the little girls with me and we got to the church early for me to set up picture frames. Nikkie came and brought me extra frames for a couple of pictures I didn't get frames for earlier. She is such a sweetheart and I'm thankful to have her as my best friend. I told her she didn't have to stay all night but she said she was going to in case I needed something. We spent the evening greeting many family and friends. My mom held up really well and I was surprised how well I could stand there give people hugs and thank them for their love and support. A few of my dad's cousins from Utah came and it was delightful to visit with them. I feel so loved and I feel that my dad is so loved. I think when you think about passing from this life into the next you hope that you have made a difference in others lives. You know that you're not perfect and my dad wasn't but he impacted for good many people around him. 

#4 - Up late with family. When we got home from the church we ate again and then sat down and visited. We mostly talked about memories of dad and then I typed up Liz and I's life sketch. Liz was really tired and went to sleep before I started typing it. She's had a long couple of days with having a baby and then making an 8 hour drive to get here just in time to go to the viewing. So I told her I'd type it up and she could read it the next day. I made Kera stay until I was finished so she could take my computer home and print off the talks. I owe her a favor. Jonathan stayed up late with me and we headed to bed after 1:00 a.m. We needed to sleep but at the same time we didn't want to go to bed because I don't think any amount of time would help us to be ready for tomorrow. 

Together

Today I'm thankful for: #1 - Siblings. I was so glad Jonathan was home to spend the day with mom and I. We headed into town early in the afternoon to meet mom and go to the funeral home. We had to ok the final program that has all of us kids giving dad's life sketch and sharing memories, the little girls singing Praise to the Man, (Lilly sang this song to dad a few weeks ago on the phone it's a song they all learned for their primary program and we thought it would be nice for them to sing.) Uncle Frank and Uncle Ed giving a brief talk, the Bishop speaking, and then Annie playing a melody of hymns. I knew mom was going to go give the program to the funeral home and that most likely dad would be ready to be viewed. So I told Jonathan that we better be there with her so she didn't have to be alone. It was interesting to finally see dad's body. I knew it would make this all seem real a whole lot more real. Somehow you think dad's not really gone until you see his body and the reality that it not him any more because his spirit is gone. You realize that we are never complete unless our spirit and our body are together to form our soul. And then I felt OK with the reality of seeing his body because his body is not him. It's interesting because this wasn't near as hard as I thought it would be. I know this is because of the prayers of all those who love me. All of this is easier because people are praying for me. It's the first time in my life that I can feel really feel their prayers a feeling so real that I can almost literally touch it.

#2- Sweet visiting teachers. My mom's sweet visiting teachers brought us dinner and more food than we could eat in a week. I've marveled at this whole bringing food to those who are suffering thing as so many people have brought us things. It interesting because you don't feel like eating at all but when you've reached a point of exhaustion and you have to eat there is something to eat. I've also thought about how bringing food is a way to mourn with those that mourn. You bring food because you want to help to bring comfort and there is really not much you can do but you can let people know that you know they're hurting and that you love them and you bring food which is comforting in it's own right.

#3- Just being together. We spent the evening at the cabin with family. I'm so thankful for them for the relationship I have with my mom's sisters who have been such a comfort to my mom. Grandpa and Janis also came for a little while and I'm so thankful for my grandpa who loves and cares for all of his family. He is such a sweet man!

Nothing like family

Today I'm thankful for: #1- A brand new baby nephew. Rowan Ruffin Judd was born early this morning and we are so excited to add

#2- Church. I was glad to be able to go to church today. I am thankful for what I know is true because it is what will get me through loosing my dad. While sitting in Relief Society one of the quotes that was read was from Elder Nelson in Conference that said, "We live to die and we die to live again." I remember listening to that and think that so true and today it had an even greater meaning as I thought of my dad and how I will see him again and how after death we will all live again.

#3- Raegan. Raegan who I know I can call and she'll gladly do anything I need. I was a little stressed out and reaching a breaking point after church. I needed to call Raegan to go over my sub plans and tell her what she needed to copy for me. Preparing for a sub is hard but it's extra hard when you're not at work and can't make the copies you need. Good thing I have a sweet friend who'll do it for me. So Raegan willingly made copies of everything I needed and then she listened to all my frustrations.

#4- Family. Jonathan and his family finally arrived this evening and it was an immense sense of relief for me to not have to take care of my mom all by myself. Lilly was really excited to try on my new hat and these little gloves from when I was a little girl. So sweet. My grandpa and Aunt Lexie stopped by to visit as well and Aunt Shellie came for a little while too. Then Jonathan and his family and mom and I went up to my cousin's cabin. Mom sat and visited for a while and then went home. The rest of us spent the night and it was nice to be together.

A New Hat

Today I'm thankful for: #1- A little shopping. Mom and I met her Aunt Marg in Idaho Falls and went shopping to buy my mom a new dress to wear to the funeral. While we were in the dress store I found this hat and decided to go ahead and buy it for myself. I'm pretty excited about it. Mom bought a couple of new things.
#2 - Memories. I also went to Michael's to buy some picture frames. I've been working on gathering photos of my dad and putting them in frames to display at the funeral. I'm thankful for photos that will leave us with good memories until I see my dad again.
#3- Friends at work who are willing to do me a few favors so I don't have to worry about things. Today I texted Annette and she's going to take care of math for me. So nice to not have to worry about it.

Not Reality

Today I'm thankful that: #1- I was able to be home for my mom. Yesterday I didn't want to be driving home. I still don't want to be here by myself but my mom needs me so what I want or more accurately what I don't want to face is outweighed by what I need to be doing. My mom needed me and needed to not be alone to face every thing and make decisions. 

#2- Family. This morning Dee and Nikkie Reynolds and Karen Dixon came to visit. Dee and Karen are my mom's cousins. It's comforting to know that families both immediate and extended look out and watch over you at this time. There is so much food at mom's house it's ridiculous. But it makes you feel so loved!

#3- Making decisions. First on mom and I's list this morning was to meet with the funeral director. We needed to give him the obituary that mom and I wrote last night and pick out a casket. It's a good thing you're in a fog when you do these things because I don't think I could deal with it otherwise. Mom kept saying we'll go look at the caskets and then call everyone to see what they think before we make a decision. I finally said, "Mom, they don't care. What ever you pick out they will be just fine with. We don't want to have to wait until Monday to make a final decision. Let's just go and pick one out and they will all be fine." So when we went over to the funeral home we looked at all of them and picked one out. It is a beautiful wood one. Simple and really nice. I don't like the whole idea of having to pick out a casket. I don't like thinking about actually being dead and having to put your body in something. I was glad we decided quickly without any debate. When we left I think mom was relieved too. She kept saying that it went well and was easier with just two of us. I assured her that I think everyone will think we made the right decision. Really I think that any decision would be the right one. I'm in a fog and was surprised to realize that my mom is really in a fog and she needed me to help her make decisions. 

After the funeral home we headed to Rexburg to buy new burial clothes and to stop at Walmart. We stopped at Dairy Queen to grab something to eat. So weird because I have no idea when the last time I ate was and nothing sounds good and then I'm starving and only eat a little and it still makes me feel a little sick. Which makes nothing sound good until I'm starving again. I just wanted a slushee - which ALWAYS sounds good mom got food too and it tasted better than she thought it would. President and Sister Ludlow called me to see how I was doing and I got all chocked up when I was telling them about what makes me really emotional is the overwhelming love and support I feel from all those I love and who love me. 

When we got home from Rexburg we went out to Frank and Barbra's to use the Internet for a quick minute. Then we went back home to be there in case any one else stopped by. I've been amazed at the people who have come and called. My mom is well love and well taken care of. 

The Day After

Today I'm thankful for all those who love me. #1 - Kerri who stayed up incredibly late with me the night before so I didn't have to sit by myself. She usually goes to sleep at 9 and was up until midnight until I finally said we should go to sleep and then she got up way early and went to the store to buy me treats to eat on my drive home. She is so sweet and picked just the right things for me. Love you Kerri. You'll never know what your thoughtfulness means to me. So this is what I took my picture of the day of yummy crackers that to me represent how much a friend knows and cares about me.

#2 - Raegan who called and left a message on my phone. I was in the shower and missed her call. She said she'd looked up bereavement leave and that I was allowed 3 days then she said she had called the Draper Temple and had them put my name on the prayer roll. I've only had someone tell me they put my name on the temple prayer roll once before and much like that time this touched me deeply. Raegan will never know what that means to me as a friend as well as the strength knowing prayers were being said in my behalf gave me strength to face the upcoming week. What a dear friend!

#3 - Kris. I also missed a call from Kris when I got out of the shower. Kris is my wonderful friend at work. She is the school librarian who I dearly love. She called to tell me how much she loved me. That she'd been thinking about me. That she would gladly drive me to Idaho today so I didn't have to go by myself. By the time I finished listening to her message along with listening to Raegan's I was in tears. I was feeling so loved. More overwhelmed with love than anything else. Isn't that interesting what got me emotional was feeling everyone's love and concern for me and how I was taking this unexpected event in my life.

#4 - Sister Ludlow. I kept missing Sister Ludlow's phone call but finally we connected when I was in my car headed for home. What a sweet dear lady who is a second mother to me. I appreciated that she called as soon as she heard.

#5 - Quade. Another dear friend who called as soon as he heard. He told me he'd do anything I needed and I know he meant it. And I think this defines the value of a true friendship. Not just saying words but meaning them. Again I felt overwhelmed with other's love.

#6 - Nikkie who talked to me for over an hour while I drove. Nikkie and I just talked and my drive went quickly and was uneventful just like I like it.

#7 - Liz who also talked to me and made my drive short. Liz and I also talked and I gave her the assignment to start looking for good pictures of dad and her girls.

#8 - The people of Ashton, Idaho. When I got to my mom's house she wasn't home but was having her hair done. She had the appointment for weeks and figured she'd better keep it now that she'd be visiting and greeting so many people. I went over to the beauty parlor while she got finished up and then we came back to her house. From that time on there were several people who came by to offer their condolences. I don't think I realized that when there is a death how many people come by to tell you how sorry they are and offer their help and love. Again I was overwhelmed and so grateful to live in a small town filled with people who love and care for my mother.

#9 - Others. I also got a phone call from the Elder's quorum president in my ward offering his help if I needed it. Maurianne also called to make sure I was OK. I can't tell you how lucky I feel to be so blessed with wonderful friends. I also received texts from Alan Reynolds and my Bishop. I had an e-mail from Steve and again I felt overwhelmed with love and care. And it's just what I need!

Today

This is one of my favorite pictures of me and my dad. I've never questioned that he loved me or was proud of me. I'm thankful for this today too. 

Today I'm thankful for: #1- A short week. I love my kids, I really do but I'm so excited to have a few days off. I also loved this whole week because yesterday felt like Thursday but it was only Tuesday and today I had to keep reminding myself that it was Wednesday and not Friday. I love a short week!

#2- A good little run. Kerri got home from work and we decided to go for a little run. I needed it.

#3 - The knowledge that families are forever and good friends. This evening I was talking to Liz and Ruffin said, "Tell her your mom is trying to get a hold of her. She needs to call her." I replied with, "No she's not." My phone hadn't rung. But he insisted so we got off the phone and I called my mom. She calmly informed me that my dad had been killed in a car accident this afternoon. I said, "Who?" and she repeated that it was dad. I'm in a state of shock. Unexpected news that your brain just doesn't know how to process. I looked at Kerri and told her and was so glad she was home tonight. Honestly, what would I have done if I'd been sitting home alone? I just needed someone to be with me and I was so thankful for Kerri and that she's my friend. Soon after I talked with my mom Jonathan called asking me if I was OK. I said I was OK but in shock and not really feeling like it was real. We didn't stay on the phone long because we were just sitting in silence. I texted Nikkie, Raegan, and Tricia to let them know. Nikkie soon called and then Raegan and then I talked to Tricia later. I'm so blessed with wonderful friends who I know in the weeks and months ahead will give me the support I will need. I just mostly sat on the couch and tried not to think too much about anything. I talked to my mom again and told her I'd be coming home tomorrow and that I wanted to make sure she wasn't alone. Then Jonathan called me back and we talked a bit more. Then later my sweet grandpa called to tell me how much he loved me. And that he'd be around by Friday afternoon - he's in meetings in Sun Valley- but he wanted me to know that if I thought Grandpa was needed then he'd be home sooner. I love this sweet man. He then said these things are never easy but they're a part of life. That doesn't make it easier but they are. He told me about the day his dad passed away that he'd had a stroke that would have left him a vegetable. He said the doctor was so puzzled because the type of stroke he had usually didn't kill people. Grandpa then said he told the doctor that the night before he'd given his dad a blessing and that there was no blessing to give. He and grandma and Uncle Ed and Aunt Carol had gone home and pleaded with the Lord that if it was his time to go that his dad would go peacefully. He'd had a stoke the next day and passed away. Grandpa told me that he loved me and then said goodbye.

I don't know why things happen the way they do. But I do know that families are meant to be together forever. This life is not the end. That I'll see my sweet father again. He is with his mother, his grandfather who he often talked of with fondness and with my mom's mom who loved him like she loved all her kids. I don't question where he is or if my relationship with him will once again grow when this life is over for me. I'm not even questioning why. What I do have to face is missing him, knowing that when I get married he won't be there to share the day with me, that my mom will feel alone, and he won't get the chance to see his grandkids grow up. But it's OK. It's OK because of the gospel of Jesus Christ. Because Christ was resurrected we will all be resurrected and I will see my dad again. Because my parents were sealed together in a holy temple I am sealed to him and I will always be his. Today this is what I am thankful for. And I'm guessing I'll be thankful for this even more than I've ever been every day for the rest of my life.

Here's my actual picture from the day. I made Kerri take it with me right before we finally went to bed. She'll never know how grateful I am she was home this night. I'm so thankful for wonderful friends. 

Fall Festival

Today I'm thankful for: #1- Dinner with my dear friend. Raegan and I went and grabbed dinner at Costa Vida. We always have such a good time visiting I just don't know if I could love work as much as I do without her. I don't think it would be possible. 

#2- The hair color station. Tonight was our school's fall festival. I signed Raegan and I up to work at the hair color station. It wasn't that big of a deal until I got home an realized my finger was numb from the cans getting so cold. I'm pretty sure I froze all the nerve endings. Not good. I won't be signing up for this ever again. 

#3- More tutus. When I got home and ate dinner Tricia and I made her nieces some tutus for her to take with her when she goes and sees them tomorrow. I've got enough tool that I could make a dozen more tutus. I'm glad she would take a few to her little girlies. They sure are cute. 

A busy night

Today I'm thankful for: #1- Monday on a short week. Today went so quickly since I only have two and a half days until a long weekend. I can't wait!

#2- Home Evening. Tricia and I went to home evening and were there for only a quick minute but I am thankful for home evening or at least the idea of every Monday night set aside to gather as families and strengthen our testimonies of the gospel of Jesus Christ. 

#3- Tutus. I worked on the girl's tutus for their Halloween costumes. They're not hard but just a little time consuming. I got all three finished except tying the ribbon and sewing on ties. I'm so excited to see them all dressed up as cute little butterflies. I stayed up way too late working on them but I'm glad to have them almost finished. 

I'm a little pleased!

Today I'm thankful for: #1- Sunday. I love Sundays I love the day of rest. I love that I can forget about all the cleaning, the errands, and the work that complicates life every other day of the week. 

#2- The finished product. When we got home from church Kerri helped me dip the carmel apples in white chocolate and pour cinnamon and sugar on them. Quiet possibly the best thing I've ever tasted and they looked so pretty all wrapped up! I dipped enough to take a couple to dinner and some to give Lange and Raegan for October's birthday treat. I can't wait to give them to them. 

#3- Sunday Dinner. I'm thankful for the delicious dinner but mostly I'm thankful for Tricia sharing her family with us. Family is life's most precious gift. 

A Project

Today I'm thankful for: #1- Saturdays. Today I didn't have anywhere I was committed to being which is so wonderful. I got up a little before 9 and enjoyed a 7 mile jog. I don't really run but I love a nice long jog on Saturday morning. I'm not too excited about the weather getting colder it's going to be a long winter without any running every Saturday. I also had time to get my hair dyed and Tricia and I even ran to Costco before the game started.

#2- BYU Football. I was happy to be watching the game from home today. After 4 straight Saturdays of driving down to Provo and dealing with crowds of people it was nice to be home in my quiet living room. Don't get me wrong I love the game live and will be very happy to be in my seat at LaVell Edwards Stadium next Saturday but today it was nice to be home. Our Cougars played pretty good today still have places to improve but it was a fun game and they finally broke 30 points with a final score of 38-28. Love a good win!

#3- More tulle than I know what do with. I'm making Liz's girls tutus to go with their Halloween costumes. Our living room looks like it has exploded into a rainbow of bright tulle. It was everywhere as a spent the day tying strips of tulle on to an elastic waist band. They turned out super cute and I can't wait to see the girls in them. Bless my roommates who don't get too tired of the messes I make. Or at least don't tell me that they're sick of my messes.

#4 - Being my mother's daughter. There is quite a few things that I'm thankful for in this life a huge on of those things is being my mother's daughter. She's a pretty amazing women and I have learned so much from her over my life time. My mom has made candy since before I was born. She's really good at it to. One of my earliest childhood memories is going to the Halloween Carnival at the elementary school and my mom taking dozens of carmeled apples for the PTA to sell. I loved the taste of them. I loved the smell of the carmel and the tartness of a Granny Smith apple. It was so wonderful. I think every year around Halloween time Liz and I ask my mom if she's going to make carmeled apples for us. It's been years since we've been able to talk her into it. Well on Tuesday the treat at enrichment was carmeled apples. They were using red apples and I knew it'd be enjoyable but wouldn't be what I remembered my mom's to be. So I passed, but that got me thinking about carmeled apples and I decided I needed to try my hand at making some. When I told Liz I was going to make some she asked me if I really thought I could do it. I said sure you just have to sit and stir the pot of stuff forever. She got a good laugh and wished me luck. I called my mom and asked her if she'd help me when I got ready to make them later on in the week. Of course she said she would and we talked about how her and Liz had had a good laugh that I said the only thing to making carmel was sitting and stirring a huge pot. I was pretty excited to try this out. I knew it could be a complete disaster and decided that if it was that was fine I could throw it all away and start over.

I was mostly right about the only thing there is to it is stirring. You do a lot of stirring and watching the temperature of the boiling pot of sugary goodness. When it was close to getting done and it looked right and smelled right I was SO excited. Kerri helped me dip 22 apples and while they don't look absolutely perfect they're pretty great for a first try. I'm giving a few to Raegan for her October birthday treat and then donating the majority of them to our PTA for the bake sale for the fall festival on Tuesday. Kerri, Tricia, and I cut up an apple and dipped it in some of the leftover carmel and I might as well have been 6 again. It tasted just like my childhood memory. The sticky sweetness of carmel and the crisp sour of a delicious juicy apple. Something about all that seems to just welcome fall to me. I also was pretty proud of myself for being successful my first try. I'm thinking this will start to be a yearly October tradition for me. I'm pretty sure I'd never try something like this if I wasn't my mother's daughter. Like I said she's pretty amazing and I'm always so thankful she's willing to walk me through anything even if I'm calling her and asking for clarification every 5 minutes.

Delightful

Today I'm thankful for: #1- Plans with friends. Fridays I'm always so tired when I get through with work. Most of the time I just want to go home and go to sleep early. Usually I just sit around in exhaustion. Tonight Tricia and I had plans with some friends to go out to dinner. We decided to try out The Blue Lemon down town. I had never heard of this place. But I loved it. 

#2- Good food and conversation. My food was delicious and what was even better than the food was the company. Quade came with his friend as well as a couple of friends from the ward and Tricia's cousin. Usually when I go out to dinner we eat quickly and then are on to our next activity. Tonight we just sat and talked just enjoyed each other for over an hour. 

#3- Dessert. We sat and visited so long that we all felt like dessert. So we headed over to a delightful little bakery that Maurianne has taken me to a few times. I had a delicious raspberry tart. SO good! Everyone enjoyed trying each others yummy treats. Quite possibly my favorite part of the dessert experience was Quade going up to pay and we all waited back at the table. He came back and said well I've had a new life experience. Evidently the man in front of him in line looked back at him and said, "Going home alone huh?" When he came back and told us this we all had a pretty good laugh. What is really bad is there isn't anything funny about the fact that the guy was serious and I find it so sad that "going home" with a variety of girls on any given night is normal in some people's worlds. 

Invites

Today I'm thankful for: #1- These adorable invitations. Liz made these invites for me for my kids to invite their friends and family to our performance in a couple of weeks. They looked wonderful and I'm so thankful for a sister who'll use her talents and computer skills to bless my life. 

#2- Costco. I love this store. Liz had the invitations sent there. They're cheap and the prints are really pretty good. 

Roommate Night

Today I'm thankful for: #1- Parent Volunteers. I have some great parents who help out in my classroom. I had a couple of moms working on some of my "additional" projects. One of my moms said, "How'd you get put in charge of all this?" I said, "Oh, I don't know it just happened." What's great is they're more than willing to help with whatever will help make my life easier and they'll never know what that means to me.

#2-Soup. Kerri who made delicious taco soup for dinner and shared it with me. Thanks friend for feeding me a yummy dinner.

#3- Roommate Night. We decided the other week that we were going to start having roommate night every Wednesday. Tonight we decided our activity would be going to the movies to see The Help. It was great and very interesting. It really made me think about how it must have been like to live in the south in the 1960's. I think we've come a long way but have such a long way to go. We need to be more kind and loving to all and more grateful for what others do for us. The movie tonight was a good reminder of that for me.

Cucumbers

Today I'm thankful for: #1 - School. I'm glad that I love my job and that on days like today when I feel grumpy all morning I still love what I do and can find plenty of things to be grateful for. I'm grateful for my kids who even when I loose patience with them they continue to love to be in my class. For my principal who'll drive his car down the street honking the horn so my students can hear the doppler effect. For the new P.E. equipment that we get to use and the kids are so excited about it and it makes me happy.

#2- Running. I came home and went for a 4 mile run. I love it! So weird to me but there's something about a good run that can balance everything else in life. This is good to remember when life seems way out of whack. It also helps that I listened to the Relief Society meeting while I ran. Such wonderful talks that inspire and uplift. I thought to myself today, "How can anyone hear these talks and not feel loved by the Lord and a renewed dedication to be just a little bit better?" I'm grateful for that gentle nudging to be more of the person that my Father in Heaven knows I can be.

#3- Relief Society meetings. We had our monthly relief society meeting tonight and I enjoyed being with other sisters in my ward. What a wonderful organization. Sometimes I don't really want to go to these meetings but I'm always glad when I get there. It's a blessing to belong to the largest women's organization in the world. I don't have to pay dues and I'm blessed by the influence of amazing sisters who are striving to do the same things as I am.

#4- The grocery store, an hour with my roommates, and a cucumber. Tricia and I ran to the grocery store when we got home. I was glad she let me tag along. I now have things to eat all week. When we got back home Kerri was just getting home and we enjoyed an hour of watching Biggest Loser. I'm so glad I don't live a lone and I have wonderful roommates to talk and laugh with. We have a great time. They're such a blessing. I ate a treat of a yummy cucumber while we watched the show. I'm pretty sure cucumbers are my favorite vegetables. These slices of goodness made me very happy!

Nikkie and Cake

Today I'm thankful for: #1 - 5 a.m. Kerri and I woke up early to work out. She's usually up this early but today I joined her. I don't like to exercise but I love how I feel afterwards. I also love that I'm up for several hours before I have to head to work. I get so much done and I'm so much happier throughout the whole day. So I think I should try 5 a.m. much more often.

#2- My students. One in particular today who made me smile. Our first spelling word today was numeral. On Mondays the kids get a pretest and then they study their words all week and take another test on Friday. This little guy finished his test and then said to me, "I heard that word numeral and numbered my whole test in Roman numerals." Of course he did. So funny, I couldn't number anything in Roman numerals greater than 10 but I'm sure his test was numbered perfectly. I love these kids!!

#3- Nikkie and family. Nikkie and Tommy and the boys came to my school after school was out and spent the rest of the evening with me. The boys played on the playground and I'm pretty sure Tommy wanted to stay longer playing on it. He thought it was a pretty cool place. Then we came home to my house and we made tacos for dinner. Then we had a little cake for Zak for his birthday that was yesterday. I just love this little family and it was fun to hang out with my best friend even if it was just for a couple of hours. I also love to have kids over because we let them do whatever they'd like at our house. I think it might be a house rule. I took out some bubble wrap and the boys stomped around on the floor and I loved it. What kid didn't want to pop bubble wrap - I still find it quite fun. Connor and I read a few books and then it was time for them to head to their hotel so they could get some sleep before their flight in the morning. So glad we got to spend the evening together.

First Pumpkin Pie of the Season

Today I'm thankful for: #1- The sweet testimony our High Councilman's wife bore today. She gave a wonderful talk about saving souls. The Lord loves all His children and he needs us to help move his work, he needs us to reach out and rescue those who are drowning in the seas and waves of life.

#2- Pumpkin Pie. We had a wonderful dinner at Tricia's parents and ended it with pumpkin pie for dessert. With us well into the month of October it's time to eat lots of yummy pumpkin treats. I love sitting down and eating. Every family should enjoy dinner at least once a week around the table. Visiting and discussing what's most important as well as those things that aren't so important. There also so should be plenty of laughter. Really I think family dinners is what would fix lot of the world's problems.

#3- My roommates. I just love these two girls. Tonight when we got home we started to plan a birthday celebration for the three of us. We all have birthdays with in about a month of each other so we're planning something out of the ordinary to enjoy with one another. I can hardly wait. I'm so glad were not just roommates but also friends who make me so happy to be around. Really I just don't know what I'd do without them. Love you Kerri and Tricia!!

San Jose State

Today I'm thankful for: #1- A Saturday run. I love a good little run on a Saturday morning. It's the perfect way to start the weekend. 

#2- More football. Todays game was late a late one. It didn't start until 8:15. There have been seasons were we haven't had one night game but this season is full of them probably because we're not ranked and ESPN can put us anywhere on their stations so our games are opposite big games on other channels. I don't care because I like an evening game. I love to watch it under the lights. Today's game was a little cold but we stayed warm and watched our boys beat San Jose State 29-16. So much fun cheering with these two good friends. 

#3- Kerri. I'm so thankful for Kerri being my friend in so many aspects of life but today I'm especially grateful to have her to ride with to and from Provo. I don't know if I would have survived all the traffic and late nights without her. 

Sister Barker

Today I'm thankful for: #1- Fridays. I am always so happy when the week is over. It's just nice to have a change in pace.

#2- Another BYU Football Fireside. Tonight Tricia and I decided to go to the BYU football fireside before they play tomorrow. Tonight is was being held in Springville. Tricia had to do flowers at a wedding so I met her in American Fork so we could drive the rest of the way together. The fireside was wonderful and I was so happy we'd made the trip down. Traffic was bad and it was raining but it was worth it. I think we should have more firesides where we are able to hear each others' testimonies and stories. I am strengthened by these young men's stories and determination to do good.

#3- Sister Barker. When I went to leave for the fireside I called Sister Barker. I had meant to call her all week to see if she wanted to go to the fireside with me. Every time I thought about it it wasn't a good time and then all of a sudden it was Friday and time to go to the fireside. I thought well maybe she won't want to go to the fireside but maybe I can stop by and visit her. When I called she told me she was going to be at the fireside and that she'd save Tricia and I a seat. After the fireside Sister Barker had us over for a little ice cream and a wonderful visit. I love this dear lady who is my mission grandma. My life has been so greatly blessed by wonderful examples and Sister Barker is one of the sweetest people I have ever met and I hope I can be like her some day.

BYU Soccer

Today I'm thankful for: #1- Cooler weather. I know I'm a bit weird but I love fall and love when the weather starts to turn cooler and there is a chill in the air.

#2- Fun with friends. Preston, Tricia, and I headed down to Provo to watch a women's soccer game. I don't totally get soccer but what I do get I enjoy. It was pretty cold and it had been raining so we did our best to stay dry and warm. Nothing like being bundled up in blue and white. BYU won in overtime which I enjoyed.

#3- French Fries. I know I shouldn't like french fries as much as I do but 9 times out of ten they always sound good to me. We pulled through Wendy's on our way home and I was happy with some french fries for dinner. It's a wonder I don't suffer from malnutrition.

Sitting on the Couch

Today I'm thankful for: #1- 8:00 meeting. My meeting was good as always. I love to be on the committee that talks about the little things that bother others around the school and seek for solutions. I also enjoy how much everyone likes to eat the muffins I bring. It makes me happy that muffins make them happy.

#2- Being home just sitting on the couch for the evening. Sometimes it's nice to just slow down and sit.

The Relief Society

Today I'm thankful for: #1- This great book. This is the new book for Relief Society and I'm pretty excited to read it. This morning I got up early to read my scriptures and I read a few pages and it was a great way to start the day. 

#2 - The Biggest Loser. My roommates and I watch the Biggest Looser on Tuesday nights. We record it so we don't have to watch everything - sometimes it's too dramatic. 

#3- Muffins. I made yummy pumpkin muffins for my meeting tomorrow and I can't wait to eat them. 

A Little Treat

Today I'm thankful for: #1- The two adorable 7th graders that stopped by to say hello to me. All of last year I kept saying how much I just loved my kids and it's true those kids were something special to me. I'm so happy to see them and it absolutely warms my heart when they stop in to see me. Last week Clark stopped by my classroom and Erin was in the hall with her mom and she always makes sure she gives me a big hello and tells me that she'd come back to my class if she could. Today Derik and Cera both showed up as the bell rang and I was saying goodbye to this years kids. I got the Jr. High report and was so happy to see them. It made my day! Love all those kids!

#2- Roommates and Friends who listen. I got a little frustrated today and I'm grateful for those who love me and let me complain to them. I should work harder at being much more positive.

#3- Home Evening. We had a great home evening tonight. One where I actually stayed for longer than 20 minutes. The Elder's Quorum President in my ward works for the church and is involved in producing videos about the apostles. It was quite interesting and I enjoyed listening to him talk about something that he is very passionate about. Everyone in the world should be that lucky - to love what they do even though it can be extremely challenging.

#4- A frozen treat. I finally got around to eating some of my left over frozen yogurt from the other night. What I love about Red Mango is it tastes just as good when you bring it home and eat it days later. I got pomegranate and key lime. Just heavenly! I'm glad that this Monday is ending and Tuesday will be a new a better day.

Conference Sunday

Today I'm thankful for: #1- Conference Sunday. I love Sunday even more than I love Conference Saturday because we just sit, listen, relax, and enjoy the day. We enjoyed the day at Tricia's parents house. We ate a wonderful breakfast to start the day. And then we enjoyed the first session of conference. 

#2- A Sunday Afternoon nap. Another reason I love conference I get to take a wonderful nap and It makes me so happy. 

#3- Dinner and dessert. And once again I'm thankful for yummy Sunday dinner. Just makes my day. Kerri made this beautiful pie. Yes it's true it's amazing that she's not married with these skills.